The woman’s voice at the other end of the line is teary and frustrated. She is on her third cycle of Clomid and she is sure that the third time is not the charm. “How is your husband’s sperm count?” I ask.
“He won’t go and have it tested” she whispered. “He is too embarrassed.”
“So, you have no idea if his sperm count is normal or not and you are taking fertility drugs?”, I try not to explode.
The telephone line goes silent as she tries to muffle tears.
I wish I could say this was a new conversation for me, but during my years as president and the first Executive Director of RESOLVE NYC, and then as founder and first Executive Director of The American Fertility Association, and now as a private fertility coach – I have had this conversation more times than I care to count. The conversation has not changed much in over 20 years.
Countless women are still going it alone in fertility treatment. Many gynecologists do not require the men to have their sperm count checked if they are resistant to the idea, and are willing to prescribe fertility drugs to women even while knowing that half of infertility has a male factor component.
I understand the discomfort. Going into the doctor’s office to produce a specimen is not fun, especially when you are in the beginning stages of trying to have a baby. And many men just won’t go.
“What if he could test his own sperm in the privacy of your home? Do you think he would do it?”
The answer was “Yes”, and I recommended that she go and pick up a brand new FDA approved over the counter kit that has been proven to be 98% accurate – called SpermCheck® Fertility. (Facebook SpermCheck® Fertility)
It’s a first step kit. Knowing that my client’s husband’s sperm count is normal would make her feel so much better about taking the fertility medication – and would quiet so many fears. And if the sperm count came back low, she would know to stop taking the medication, and that it was time for a new conversation with her husband and doctor.
Having the privacy to do this at home made all the difference to my client’s husband, and he was willing to finally check his sperm. The good news is that his sperm count is very healthy, and now my client is looking into other options for conception.
I am now recommending SpermCheck® Fertility to take some of the guesswork out of conception. There is no reason now, when couples are waiting longer to start a family, why they can’t check out their own fertility facts right in the very beginning of their baby making journey. It’s common for women to pick up ovulation predictor kits to make sure that they are ovulating! Now the guys can check their sperm too!
Countless months of frustrating baby making sex can now be erased by these early-bird warning systems using diagnostic tests that can be done privately and inexpensively in the home. Now, I call that a breakthrough.
I am so excited about this that I have agreed to participate in a special sweepstakes to get the word out about SpermCheck® Fertility. Now through Feb. 29th, enter the ”Committed to Conception” Sweepstakes and one grand prize winner will win a private fertility coaching session with me (by phone or online) and four runners-up will win a copy of my Shameless Baby Making CD and a $50 retail gift card to either Walgreens or CVS! Enter here!
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Sign in nowI think it’s also good advice not to wait too long before consulting a fertility specialist – especially if you are over 30 years old.
thanks for posting my comment. =). There isn’t enough debate out there. If it is true that it is from a man that you in turn desire, its slightly more excusable.
I still think there is mass confusion over these topics because we have lost our sexual identities in the modern world. If women could achieve the advice laid out here, there would just be some other problem or reason why they are not happy or don’t feel sexual. Its never ending. There are no good answers to our common problems, because we are trying to hold up an ideal that is unrealistic, and detrimental to family. We have been had. We lost ourselves, and are trying to patch up the holes in a broken theory as to how men and women are to relate to each other. We have been led astray, and no happiness will come from it. No amount of thinking how to supplement our fundamental misunderstandings is going to give us the freedom we are all looking for. I have yet to find anywhere an answer to this problem that isn’t steeped in modern ideals that have never been challenged as to whether or not they benefit us. Its like trying to come up with all kinds of theories as to why the earth is the center of the solar system. The resulting theories would sound extreme and hard to believe. But if we lived in a time where there was no debate as to whether or not the earth was the center of the solar system, these theories would have to be excepted. We have lived through mass ignorance in the past, and although tough, we challenged the current beliefs. Our gender roles in the modern world will turn out the same way. One day we will learn we were told lies, and given fixes that only held up the lies. Lets question whether or not the fundamentals of our gender roles in modern society even serve our interest. Then we may find simpler answers, or maybe the problems will just go away, since we are no longer lying to ourselves. I have some really interesting research that shows how our modern belief in gender roles was derived from a source that wants us to war, and not have children, pay more taxes, raise housing prices, indoctrinate our children…etc. Let me know if you are interested.
I plan on doing on IVF in the near future and I am concerned about the cost of IVF. I was wondering how do you qualify for financial assistance.
At 40, I got married, feeling the edge of the baby clock going off. I really wanted one. During a tremendous upheaval in my hot/cold marriage, I actually LOST my period due to stress, which I felt was Nature telling me not to have a child with this partner. Needless to say, we divorced after 3 years, and I had not become pregnant even tho we had not used birth control. Fertility? I had an abortion at age 22, and twice more had caused miscarriage thru herbs as a morning after treatment. So I did have 3 pregnancies.
My one regret is not going thru the biochemical changes and breast feeding, I feel that would have been a fascinating experience for me, since I am totally into Body Awareness. Having said that, I am content with my destiny – that I did not have to weave my life around the needs of a child, I would have had a very very different path, and perhaps not accomplished all the gifts I have to share in healing for so many, as a teacher and world traveler…
Most people who meet me and see me interact with children or youth, ask me “how old are yours?” because I am so at ease with being Mothering through any appropriate circumstance. After studying & teaching Pregnancy massage & helping at 10 Labors, and working with kids creatively all my life, I do NOT identify with CHILD LESS, NOR with CHILD FREE.
I have 4 beautiful nieces and a God-daughter that are dear to my heart and I do my best to stay in touch with them.
Instead, I identify with being a CHILD at HEART and interacting with everyone’s INNER CHILD, so I am CHILD FRIENDLY, and you can always sit next to me on the airplane!! – Your Auntie Marci
While the term ‘childless’ has shown in recent studies to have profound effects on women who are not mothers by a certain age (learn more here: http://bit.ly/uPyxDB), ‘child-free’ implies not a circumstance, but a chosen lifestyle. The term was coined to describe women whose state is not childlessness, but a proactive choice to never have children because they do not want to have children. (This is a very valid choice for those women.)
On the flip-side, by a certain age, perhaps when a woman is in her mid-thirties, it’s no longer considered ‘natural’ for her to be childless. Her born state is no longer acceptable in our pronatalist society. But the real choice is to change from the natural state of childlessness, to a state of motherhood. There is no choice in being childless. It is how we are born.
I don’t choose to be child-free. I yearn for a baby of my own. I mourn my menstruation like a woman suffering from biological infertility. It is no more a choice for her to get her period than it is for me to get mine.
I am a natural woman. I am whole. I am not less, nor am I free. I simply just am.
XO
Melanie Notkin, Founder, Savvy Auntie
Auntie Marci!
I say “childfull” – since you choose to love the children in your life. The term Savvy Auntie certainly applies to you too.
As I say:
Babies are born from the womb. Motherhood is born from the soul. There are many ways to mother.
XO
Melanie Notkin, Founder, Savvy Auntie
so, I posted that on my facebook yesterday and my sister was completely offended by my comments. it isn’t necessarily that I have fertility issues, my husband didn’t want children and so we have none..however my sister has three. All I have ever wanted was to be treated equally with my sister and I don’t think that is too much to ask for……however now I am seen as being selfish and greedy.
I have found after 11 years of working with donors that as compensation increases, there is a paradigm shift in the way many donors view the entire process. They begin to feel that they are in a seat of power and negotiation and many times place ridiculous and unnecessary demands on the Intended Parents or the agency and I have found that their dedication is sometimes compromised as well.
Since our agency recently signed agreements to serve over 35 countries through a new global program, we created a flat fee system for all donors where they receive $7000 for a first time donor, $8000 for a second time donation, $9000 for a third time donation, and $10000 for all future cycles up to 6 and we have found that this has been a tremendously successful platform as all are treated equal and it really is about compensation a donor for her time, energy, and efforts rather than how hot she is, where she went to school, etc. We found that each set of Intended Parents have their own individual set of criteria and no donor is more important or worth more financially than another.
What I wish was further studied by ASRM is the number of cycles recommended for a donor. Currently the recommendation is that no donor perform over 6 cycles. I would like to know that actual research is backing this up as I am concerned for the donors health that we have solid medically researched and documented reasons for all recommendations.
only someone w/o children would have the time to worry about what they were going to get when someone died. how about the value of things that can’t be bought? if you’re more worried about $ and things; its good that you didn’t have children. selfish.
Very interesting to watch this. I learned that most (all?) late in vitro fertilizations are done with donor eggs. I watched the clip where you tell the interviewer this, and she says, “Really? Biological [motherhood] is different from genetic [motherhood]?” I was shocked that she seemed to have trouble understanding what you were saying. This fact, that most (or all?) women can’t have their own genetic children in their 40′s and 50′s, is hugely important to understand. In fact, the reason for having children is often to pass down one’s own genetic line. I’m glad my brother had children who exhibit the -obviously!!- brilliant genetic qualities of my family!
Seriously, because I didn’t have biological or genetic children, I very much wanted our genetic line to get passed down, and, thankfully, it was.
[...] going because it easily slides into your purse or perhaps your pocket. If you have been on the shot that lasts quite a long time, don’t expect to conceive right away. Begin a good regular [...]
Another female written articleand from the get go comparing a woman’s weight to a guy’s size ?? Something you CAN change (weight) vs.something you CAN’T (penis size).Both may cause some trepidation but apples and oranges.So sick of hearing that crap.
Pam,
First off let me say that I’ve enjoyed reading your page, it has given me much insight on infertlity and that how I’m feeling is not uncommon.
I’m a “big gal” and PCOS is the culprit for my obesity, and yet the PCOS only gets worse by my extra weight. It is like bashing your head agaist bricks trying to have a baby when you are obessee and you diet and you don’t shed a pound. Only thru getting educated on what PCOS is and talking to informed doctors at a local fertility clinic, along with nutrion counseling did I realize what was wrong with my body. I’ve been dealing with the PCOS now head on thru diet, exercise and most recently gastric banding. Finally I’m seeing the scale shift due to the use of medicine to control my suggars and a pcos friendly diet and the labdand along with sweat inducing exercise is the scale finally moving downward.
I know it’s hard and crushing when the doctor sits there and says that she’s to fat for the fertility meds to work, but the MD is only thinking of your overall wellbeing and outcome, a healthy baby and a heathy mom. PCOS is a real bear to treat and hopefuly with time and commitment by the infertilty comunity can more doctors become aware of what PCOS is and the most effective methods of treating this distorder.
I know I’ll never be a size four, but a ten or twelve, maybe, then just maybe my pcos will settle down and maybe fertility treatment won’t just seem like the immpossible.
Hey Pam,
Just wanted to say great post! I have been lucky getting pregnant naturally, the last time at 43, but I’ve had two people close to me go through IVF and it was so hard to connect with them some days. I wanted to enjoy my pregnancy/daughter but my heart was sad for them. This article is a great read for both sides and I will definitely share it with my blog readers.
Amanda (www.afterfortymom.com)
[...] on the female side of the equation of “Baby Making Sex” have little sympathy for the guys. After all, it is often the ladies who are the ones taking the [...]
Men can test their fertility with an easy and affordable fertility test from SpermCheck. Go to http://www.spermcheck.com/ for pricing and more information.
[...] Madsen wrote a terrific post about ‘bibliotherapy’ at her blog, The Fertility Advocate. She sites a scientific study that says 30-45 minutes of reading erotic literature causes a [...]
Many family members do not understand just how deep and painful infertility can be. And not treating you as an equal in terms of the family heirlooms is just plain stupid. I say go out to Macy’s and pick out an elegant service just for you and your spouse and maybe some friends that you socialize with often. Make your table special, then invite your friends over and maybe take in a movie, theater or just stay in and enjoy a wonderful evening without any children.
Keep your china and know that some careless kid tossing a ball in the house won’t kill your dinnerware. Maybe even invite your sibling over for brunch some time. and when she commpliments the pretty china you bought, tell her thank you it it is part of living child free.
I know how much infertility hurts, especially if you have gone thru the treatment and not gotten what you had hoped for.
I hope that your sister/sibling can eventually see how much your infertility is still hurting you.
This is great news, thanks for sharing Pamela. Also, this http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-17942176 is great news. Seems like things are moving forward in this field!