It’s that time of year when so many of us are dealing with that extra ten pounds that was gained during the holidays. For the first time, in a really long time that is not my story, but for years, and years it was and I often thought about gathering my friends and trying to get a group rate!
I ate my way through my years of infertility, sometimes wishing that someone would just tie my hands up behind my back! I ate out of sadness, comfort, and hunger for a baby. I don’t know about you – but I can find this time of year almost as difficult as the holidays themselves when it comes to my food environment and staying sober with my eating.
Perhaps it is the darkness and the cold Perhaps it is the all of the New Year Resolutions. Perhaps it is because this time of year really brings out all of our emotional hungers.
Staying sober with food is a really good concept for people with emotional hunger. For me, eating can be like a drug or a band aid that I put on my emotional hungers. That is why I have become very conscious of how I use food. What am I feeding? Am I eating because I am truly hungry? Or am I eating because of something else – and trust me you don’t want to read the list of Pamela’s reasons to eat. Infertility used to be a great reason. Now there are other reasons to abuse food….it’s funny how some things change and other things stay the same.
Disordered eating and it’s twin sister, Disordered Body Image plagues millions of women and men and when you add in another life crisis such as infertility – the use of food through restriction (to feel control in an uncontrollable time in our lives) or through over eating to numb our feelings can reach crisis proportions.
It is not just the over or under eating that plagues us – it is also how we see and feel our own bodies. Or don’t feel our own bodies.
Our bodies and how we feel about our physical selves is a loaded subject all by itself. But it’s all connected – and if you are going through infertility your body may feel like it no longer belongs to you. In so many ways – you may feel like you have handed over your body to doctors, medications, and procedures. You may be completely furious with your physical self for not giving you what you need your body to give you – whether it is as simple as a positive response to treatment, ovarian reserve or a baby. You may feel completely disembodied from your physical self – and this can impact every part of your life from your self esteem, increased depression, heightened feelings of anxiety, and your sex life. Never mind how you may also feel trying on a new outfit and trying to feel attractive in the skin you are in.
And it’s not just folks struggling with infertility – it can even simply be aging and mid life that can separate our minds from our bodies. The list of ways that people can become disconnected to the very skin that they are in is quite endless. But the solution as far as I am concern keeps coming back to helping people connect in a very physical way to their bodies in order to find reconnection and healing to self.
There is help – and I am not going to be talking here about a therapist’s couch, Jenny Craig, or getting on the “Biggest Loser”. And I am going to talk from experience – and there are studies that have told me that my experience is not simply mine alone.
I am going to write this week on how therapeutic touch (massage therapy) can be absolutely transformational in helping to heal eating disorders, ease depression, anxiety, self image issues, and help us get back to feeling our bodies.
When I talk about disordered eating, I am not just talking about anorexia and bulimia – but all kinds of disordered eating and body dimorphism. The healing and transformational power of all kinds of massage/touch therapy is something that I deeply believe in on all levels. I believe in the studies that show that women who receive massage therapy not only have reduced rates of depression and anxiety – but also change the way women felt about and interact with their bodies.
Now, as I said earlier, I have known this for a while. I am such a good guinea pig. As a woman who has struggled with almost every type of disordered eating and body imagine issue under the sun, I found my own personal healing quite accidentally, not through a pill but through time spent on a Swedish massage table receiving touch.
It was through my eyes being closed, not thinking about how I looked, lying naked on the table, that my body slowly began to shift from being the enemy to this healthy and special container that was no longer my opponent, but a giver of pleasure. I began to see myself perhaps for the first time as beautiful and worthy of being touched and loved on the deepest of levels. It was after I noticed the changes in my behavior that I began to do the research – and it is out there – just under reported.
Now why isn’t the connection between healing and touch out there more in the media? Why isn’t that making it onto the evening news? There are links everywhere that lead back to the importance of touch. It’s all connected in some way, and unlike the medicine that comes with a prescription and a list of side effects - touch therapy doesn’t have any down side that I know about. Perhaps it’s because there isn’t a huge pharmaceutical gold mine in touch – or perhaps it’s about us as a culture that seems to be conflicted about the role of touch in our lives. Or it is the paradox that something healing can also give us pleasure that is confusing for us.
I recently talked to Don Shewey, an incredible hands on therapist in NYC and this is what he had to say “A lot of people automatically/unconsciously associate touch with sex, and if they don’t want sex they don’t want touch”.
Don is right – this is perhaps a tremendous stumbling block for people who need touch in their lives. Getting a massage and receiving touch does not mean that you are requesting sex. Non sexual touch may feel sensual but does not need to lead to sex. You may need to practice this at home with your partner. Set up at time to exchange touch – but be explicit that this sharing of massage and touch will not end in sex. Set up the boundaries a head of time – so that you don’t feel pressured to go further and can simply relax into receiving one way touch and feeling the pleasure of that. And sometimes it helps to work with a professional practitioner. I did.
Sometimes we have to jump start our bodies to begin to feel again. Don’t look to a bottle – look to a set of trained practitioners hands. Often it is the most uncomplicated things that are overlooked such as a simple willingness to receive safe non sexual touch. Once we can allow that – and combine it with loving thoughts and intentions about our bodies – we will all become people who need to use food and other addictive behaviors less in order to feel calm, alive and embodied again.
This advocate’s advice? If you are struggling this dark season with the pain of infertility, you may just find some comfort in touch instead of the cupcake. Skip the bakery and make an appointment with a the massage table.
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Sign in nowDear Joe –
Sorry for the delay in approving your comments. I have been traveling.
Best,
Pamela
And Joe -
You are missing the point just a tiny bit….you are not giving a woman an orgasm simply by looking at them. I used the word orgasm mostly as a metaphor for pleasure. For many women – we find our true pleasure in simply being desired by a man that we in turn desire.
Thank you for your comments,
Pamela
[...] self-aware women, Pamela Madsen, has written a terrific post about ‘bibliotherapy’ at her blog, The Fertility Advocate. She sites a scientific study that says 30-45 minutes of reading erotic literature causes a [...]
I think it’s also good advice not to wait too long before consulting a fertility specialist – especially if you are over 30 years old.
thanks for posting my comment. =). There isn’t enough debate out there. If it is true that it is from a man that you in turn desire, its slightly more excusable.
I still think there is mass confusion over these topics because we have lost our sexual identities in the modern world. If women could achieve the advice laid out here, there would just be some other problem or reason why they are not happy or don’t feel sexual. Its never ending. There are no good answers to our common problems, because we are trying to hold up an ideal that is unrealistic, and detrimental to family. We have been had. We lost ourselves, and are trying to patch up the holes in a broken theory as to how men and women are to relate to each other. We have been led astray, and no happiness will come from it. No amount of thinking how to supplement our fundamental misunderstandings is going to give us the freedom we are all looking for. I have yet to find anywhere an answer to this problem that isn’t steeped in modern ideals that have never been challenged as to whether or not they benefit us. Its like trying to come up with all kinds of theories as to why the earth is the center of the solar system. The resulting theories would sound extreme and hard to believe. But if we lived in a time where there was no debate as to whether or not the earth was the center of the solar system, these theories would have to be excepted. We have lived through mass ignorance in the past, and although tough, we challenged the current beliefs. Our gender roles in the modern world will turn out the same way. One day we will learn we were told lies, and given fixes that only held up the lies. Lets question whether or not the fundamentals of our gender roles in modern society even serve our interest. Then we may find simpler answers, or maybe the problems will just go away, since we are no longer lying to ourselves. I have some really interesting research that shows how our modern belief in gender roles was derived from a source that wants us to war, and not have children, pay more taxes, raise housing prices, indoctrinate our children…etc. Let me know if you are interested.
I plan on doing on IVF in the near future and I am concerned about the cost of IVF. I was wondering how do you qualify for financial assistance.
At 40, I got married, feeling the edge of the baby clock going off. I really wanted one. During a tremendous upheaval in my hot/cold marriage, I actually LOST my period due to stress, which I felt was Nature telling me not to have a child with this partner. Needless to say, we divorced after 3 years, and I had not become pregnant even tho we had not used birth control. Fertility? I had an abortion at age 22, and twice more had caused miscarriage thru herbs as a morning after treatment. So I did have 3 pregnancies.
My one regret is not going thru the biochemical changes and breast feeding, I feel that would have been a fascinating experience for me, since I am totally into Body Awareness. Having said that, I am content with my destiny – that I did not have to weave my life around the needs of a child, I would have had a very very different path, and perhaps not accomplished all the gifts I have to share in healing for so many, as a teacher and world traveler…
Most people who meet me and see me interact with children or youth, ask me “how old are yours?” because I am so at ease with being Mothering through any appropriate circumstance. After studying & teaching Pregnancy massage & helping at 10 Labors, and working with kids creatively all my life, I do NOT identify with CHILD LESS, NOR with CHILD FREE.
I have 4 beautiful nieces and a God-daughter that are dear to my heart and I do my best to stay in touch with them.
Instead, I identify with being a CHILD at HEART and interacting with everyone’s INNER CHILD, so I am CHILD FRIENDLY, and you can always sit next to me on the airplane!! – Your Auntie Marci
While the term ‘childless’ has shown in recent studies to have profound effects on women who are not mothers by a certain age (learn more here: http://bit.ly/uPyxDB), ‘child-free’ implies not a circumstance, but a chosen lifestyle. The term was coined to describe women whose state is not childlessness, but a proactive choice to never have children because they do not want to have children. (This is a very valid choice for those women.)
On the flip-side, by a certain age, perhaps when a woman is in her mid-thirties, it’s no longer considered ‘natural’ for her to be childless. Her born state is no longer acceptable in our pronatalist society. But the real choice is to change from the natural state of childlessness, to a state of motherhood. There is no choice in being childless. It is how we are born.
I don’t choose to be child-free. I yearn for a baby of my own. I mourn my menstruation like a woman suffering from biological infertility. It is no more a choice for her to get her period than it is for me to get mine.
I am a natural woman. I am whole. I am not less, nor am I free. I simply just am.
XO
Melanie Notkin, Founder, Savvy Auntie
Auntie Marci!
I say “childfull” – since you choose to love the children in your life. The term Savvy Auntie certainly applies to you too.
As I say:
Babies are born from the womb. Motherhood is born from the soul. There are many ways to mother.
XO
Melanie Notkin, Founder, Savvy Auntie
so, I posted that on my facebook yesterday and my sister was completely offended by my comments. it isn’t necessarily that I have fertility issues, my husband didn’t want children and so we have none..however my sister has three. All I have ever wanted was to be treated equally with my sister and I don’t think that is too much to ask for……however now I am seen as being selfish and greedy.
I have found after 11 years of working with donors that as compensation increases, there is a paradigm shift in the way many donors view the entire process. They begin to feel that they are in a seat of power and negotiation and many times place ridiculous and unnecessary demands on the Intended Parents or the agency and I have found that their dedication is sometimes compromised as well.
Since our agency recently signed agreements to serve over 35 countries through a new global program, we created a flat fee system for all donors where they receive $7000 for a first time donor, $8000 for a second time donation, $9000 for a third time donation, and $10000 for all future cycles up to 6 and we have found that this has been a tremendously successful platform as all are treated equal and it really is about compensation a donor for her time, energy, and efforts rather than how hot she is, where she went to school, etc. We found that each set of Intended Parents have their own individual set of criteria and no donor is more important or worth more financially than another.
What I wish was further studied by ASRM is the number of cycles recommended for a donor. Currently the recommendation is that no donor perform over 6 cycles. I would like to know that actual research is backing this up as I am concerned for the donors health that we have solid medically researched and documented reasons for all recommendations.
only someone w/o children would have the time to worry about what they were going to get when someone died. how about the value of things that can’t be bought? if you’re more worried about $ and things; its good that you didn’t have children. selfish.
Very interesting to watch this. I learned that most (all?) late in vitro fertilizations are done with donor eggs. I watched the clip where you tell the interviewer this, and she says, “Really? Biological [motherhood] is different from genetic [motherhood]?” I was shocked that she seemed to have trouble understanding what you were saying. This fact, that most (or all?) women can’t have their own genetic children in their 40′s and 50′s, is hugely important to understand. In fact, the reason for having children is often to pass down one’s own genetic line. I’m glad my brother had children who exhibit the -obviously!!- brilliant genetic qualities of my family!
Seriously, because I didn’t have biological or genetic children, I very much wanted our genetic line to get passed down, and, thankfully, it was.
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Another female written articleand from the get go comparing a woman’s weight to a guy’s size ?? Something you CAN change (weight) vs.something you CAN’T (penis size).Both may cause some trepidation but apples and oranges.So sick of hearing that crap.
Pam,
First off let me say that I’ve enjoyed reading your page, it has given me much insight on infertlity and that how I’m feeling is not uncommon.
I’m a “big gal” and PCOS is the culprit for my obesity, and yet the PCOS only gets worse by my extra weight. It is like bashing your head agaist bricks trying to have a baby when you are obessee and you diet and you don’t shed a pound. Only thru getting educated on what PCOS is and talking to informed doctors at a local fertility clinic, along with nutrion counseling did I realize what was wrong with my body. I’ve been dealing with the PCOS now head on thru diet, exercise and most recently gastric banding. Finally I’m seeing the scale shift due to the use of medicine to control my suggars and a pcos friendly diet and the labdand along with sweat inducing exercise is the scale finally moving downward.
I know it’s hard and crushing when the doctor sits there and says that she’s to fat for the fertility meds to work, but the MD is only thinking of your overall wellbeing and outcome, a healthy baby and a heathy mom. PCOS is a real bear to treat and hopefuly with time and commitment by the infertilty comunity can more doctors become aware of what PCOS is and the most effective methods of treating this distorder.
I know I’ll never be a size four, but a ten or twelve, maybe, then just maybe my pcos will settle down and maybe fertility treatment won’t just seem like the immpossible.